I am at Starbucks with my mom. We just got back from being on a raod trip with her best friend, Nola. We went to Montgomery, Alabama to visit her son, Zach, who is in a children's nursing home. He is a few months older than me and has been there for fifteen years. It was the first time I have been to visit him. It was really nice to see y have a him. Even though he may have Cerebal Palsy and cant really communicate, Im pretty sure we were communixating with the eyes. Everytime I spoke or touched his head, he would watch me... When he had a seizure, I tried to help comfort him. It was a little scary to watch but apparently he has them several times a day. His mom, Nola, has made a documentary about Zach and his life and how every couple of weeks she makes that trip. If anyone wants to know more, its on facebook at zachs story.

I've been going to the pool a couple of times and it's really nice. I love the water, just floating around in there makes me feel so free and weightless. I just love it so much. The hottub is really nice too, it's just so hot! I wish I could just livew at the Counntry Inn and Suites hotel. They have the indoor pool and hottub that are both just always perfectly temperatured. And they always have hot coffee and warm cookies and even a little library. And it's  always so comfortable too. Lol, I should write this on their page or something, maybe I'd get something free... I doubt it, but I could try... haha. Anyway I'm feeling a bit better than the other day, not suicidal anymore. If anyone wants to talk to me, I'm here. :)

Ash

How goes it? I'm about the same. I went to a strange meeting with my counsilor and psychiatrist the other day. It was some kind of training type thing for a bunch of other doctors and nurses and counsilors in the practice. It was really strange. I felt like I was being interviewed by my doctor and everyone was watching me like on a tv show. I almost expercted Oprah to show up and staart screaming... Anyone else have this type of thing happen to them? How'd you react?

 Anyway. It's still hard to be at my Grandparents' house and not think about my Granddaddy all the time. It feels like he's still here. Does it ever get any easier?

Everyone says I'm so brave for singing at his funeral and for agreeing to be in that wierd meeting, but I don't feel brave at all. I feel like crawling into the corner and hiding, curled up in a ball and sleeping forever. I feel like tearing up the flesh on my arms and bleeding to death. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. What do I do? I just pretend everything's okay.

My sister's still driving my mom and I crazy on a daily basis. We don't know what to do with her. She doesn't understand boundaries or respect. For herself or anyone else. I'm scared to be around her for the most part. When she's all lovey-dovey I don't knwo how to handle her. She's way too touchy- feely and makes me feel so uncomfortable. Otherwise she's bitchy- screamy- tearing my head off and I don't know what to say to her, she will not leave me alone. And her "boyfriend" is disgusting. he's like a big pregnant slimy pig-frog thing. He's soooo gross!! And he's an alcoholic who's trying to stop doing Heroin... Gee, does she know how to pick 'em or what? Ha!

Anyways, I'm going to go now. Any advise or credits or whatever would definately be appreciated. :)

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